Help and Humility

Five years ago when Jake was deployed the first time, this was new territory for me, and for many of our friends and family as well.


So many well-meaning folks offered their help by putting a blanket statement out there such as, "Well let me know if you need anything!"


While those thoughts were appreciated, it was really difficult while battling anxiety and depression and all the emotions of what was going on in my newly married life as a war bride, to pick up the phone and say, "Hey, remember when you offered? Well...can I come join you for dinner tonight?" Instead, I sat by myself in my apartment a lot, feeling sorry for myself, and eating an entire frozen pizza.


After the last deployment, I had a lot of anger & issues I needed to work through. But after discussing my feelings with some dear friends, they helped me to realize that while people do mean well and want to help, they don't always know how to help. In putting out those offers of helping with "whatever I need," I was never taking them up on their offers, and hence, felt like no one really cared.


I admit. The last deployment I put up a facade that everthing was OK. I didn't want to look weak or like I didn't know how to do this. I wanted everyone to think, "Look at her - she's doing so well!" I did appear that way to many people, but inside, and to my family, I was crumbling. I was a mess. I didn't sleep, I ate way too much, and every time I heard a car door slam, I had to go look at the window. I was certain that the men in uniform were coming to tell me my husband was dead.


After processing all these feelings, I've realized that people really do want to help. And while I am still not always accepting of help, I am understanding now that when people offer, they are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts. Sometimes I feel like, "What did I do to deserve this?" Sometimes I feel like, "Well if Jake wasn't here...these friends wouldn't have to/need to do these things for me." I dislike feeling like I am a burden on other people. I don't like feeling needy. Please don't take these statements as ungratefulness, because I cannot express how truly amazed and grateful I am at the outpouring of love and support. But sometimes it's just hard to swallow the fact that I can't do it all on my own and that I sometimes do need a little help.


I'm learning that when people say, "I want to help..please let me know," that it's OK to say, "You know what? When I get home from work after a long day, the craziest time is about 5 PM when the dog needs to be fed and have attention, when Asher is clinging to me to have a snack & wants to play, when everything is crashing down upon me....that it'd just be nice to know that dinner could be ready in 30 minutes." It's not that I can't make dinner for myself....because I can. But it's just one less stress for me in the little 24 hours I have each day to get it all done!


So yesterday...when a PD friend asked what I needed, I broke down and told her what would be helpful. I was proud of myself. I still felt embarassed to say what would take a little stress out of my life, but then I remembered that people truly do want to help, they just need to know how they can best help, and I have the responsibility to tell them. She merely sent out an email, and has said 11 people have already responded offering that they want to assist. And before noon today, I had a lasagna dropped off to me at work so that I can cook it up & serve it! How awesome is that?!


When I saw the groceries in my house after our return from Pensacola, I cried to my mother in law and told her how I hate being a burden on people. She said that I wasn't being a burden at all, and enforced again that people are just wanting to help, to give back, to say thanks for the sacrifices that we are making as a family while Jake is gone. She truly said it best when she said, "Just allow them to be Christ's hands to you. Someday you'll be able to return the favors...but right now is not the time." I have to trust that she is right and that I just need to accept what I can at this point and believe that someday I will have the time, resources, and energy to do good in return. Until then, I can humbly say, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU."
~Emily