Breaking Point

Hit the wall.

Massive meltown.

The "Ugly cry."

Whatever phrase you'd like to use for it, I am pretty much working my way through these awful stages of deployment at this time.

Life seemed to be going along fine. Not ideal, but we were doing OK. We've got many family and friends helping and willing to pitch in when and as needed. Jake and I get to communicate on a fairly frequent basis. And most days I feel blessed to have the job and house and life that I have.

Not sure what little straw broke this camel's back, but about a week ago, I received, essentially, the ever-dreaded "call to the principal's office" by Asher's daycare provider. Our adorable 2.5 year old has NOT been acting so adorable lately. Whether it was the "falling back" of daylight savings time, the turn in the weather, the "when the hell are they ever going to actually come in" 2 year molars, or just general irritability because his daddy is half a world away....Asher's got something under his skin, and he's acting out. The daycare provider wanted to be sure we were "on the same page."

Sure, I've been a mom for 2.5 years, but I've never done this before. I've never done toddler, and I've never done single parent due to deployment with toddler. Add super high energy, high maintenance, dramatic, fearless, never stops 'til he drops, all-boy all the time, and we're getting pretty close to Asher in a nutshell. There's a reason I call his daycare provider a saint. So when she called and said she was running out of ideas...and patience, I knew it was very, very bad.

I, too, have been experiencing his bad behaviors at home....and it's ever-gnawing at the back of my mind whether this is typical for a two year old or if this is due, in part, to Asher missing his daddy. The other mothers and trusted, caring friends that I've talked through this issue with, have all agreed that it's probably a little bit of everything culminating into one big 2.5 year old mess.

Add to this the fact that for at least the first year of Asher's life, I had practically zero self esteem in my parental abilities. The icky feeling of "You can't do this...you're not good enough...you're not even a real parent, you're only playing at it" is all seeping back in again, especially at this time. I thought I had worked through all my non-mommy guilt. I thought I had reached the point where I was OK with not being Asher's biological mother; had come to peace with the fact that I was out buying a big screen TV and dishwasher when he was taking his first breaths of life. I'm not sure I have ever been actually confident in my abilities to parent him, and I never believed I could parent him on my own. But now I am...more or less, being his 100% parent, 100% of the time. Sure the grandparents, aunt & uncle love taking turns at caring for him to give me a break...but I'm still never without that responsibility that it's me and only me at this time who is "in charge." Certainly Jake offers his guidance and support via cell phone, Skype, and email conversations. But it's never quite "enough" for me to get my empty tank back up to full.

So badly behaving 2.5 year old, doubting of parental abilities, and the holidays without your best friend all culminating at once into a nasty, messy meltdown. Complete with puffy face, stuffed up nose, and can't catch your breath sobs.

Trying to get to that place in my mind where I can say "I'm going to be OK" without my partner here. Trying to believe him when he says it. But I know that if I could just have his arms to hug and reassure me, I wouldn't even need his words. It's like I've told him...."There are just some things a casserole cannot fix."

~Emily