Normal

We've spent our final weekend together at home as a family. The last two months have been rather hectic...from Jake being home on some weekends, then gone for all of June, to zipping off 6 and 9 hours in the car to spend time with family before he departs, it's left little time to just "be" as a family in our home, just doing "normal" things.

We've learned and adjusted over the 12 and a half years that we've been together that "normal" is relative and it's ever-changing. Sometimes "normal" is not seeing each other for days or weeks on end...sometimes "normal" is not getting what you've hoped and dreamed for, sometimes "normal" is disappointing. This weekend we tried to be "normal."

We pulled out Chutes & Ladders and Go Fish for the first time with Asher. We tried to engage him in playing by spinning the plastic spinner, by moving the pieces around the board, by helping to make matches, by asking the other partner to "Go Fish!" It was laughable attempting to play with a two and a half year old, but it was FUN and it was NORMAL. At one point Jake had his hands maxed out with 3 fingers in different areas on the board to mark each of our respective spaces because the kid pieces mysteriously were removed and Asher was off drumming on something. We laughed and had a good time.

I kept telling Jake, "Let's just be normal..." but what I meant was, "Let me try to not fall apart every time you hold me," or "Let me not think about how this will be the last time for a long time that you do this or that with Asher," or "Let's just BE and not think about what is inevitable." I laugh to myself and think that "normal" is arguing about him possibly leaving on deployment, how his choice to be in the military has affected our family, how it still hurts when I think about the last deployment. Well, obviously at this point, it's a little late for that, so even being so very "normal" would be abnormal at this point, or at least fruitless...and it probably was fruitless in the first place, as my mother continually reminded me.

At Mass, Monsignor asked Jake to stand and gave him a special blessing. When he stood, the congregation clapped. Asher excitedly clapped along, having no idea what was truly going on. I held Jake & Asher's hands as Monsignor offered the blessing in front of all. Jake kept his head bowed and I did not look around. Somehow, we both held it together. As we sang the recessional hymn, I looked around and saw people...some whom I do not even personally know, wiping at their eyes. These parishioners among us were touched, grateful, appreciative, and empathetic of the sacrifices that we will all go through in this next year. That meant a lot to me.

It was very bittersweet to videotape Jake reading Asher's favorite bedtime stories. While Asher napped on Sunday, Jake sat in the living room and I recorded him reading everything from Now I Eat My ABC's to My Daddy is a Hero. Jake did a great job of holding it together, only getting choked up one time, while I had to take intermittent breaks to compose myself between stories. These videos of Jake will be invaluable gems to both Asher and myself when we need or want a "daddy fix." It will be special to be able to see and hear Jake reading some of Asher's favorite books, especially since Jake is such a hands-on daddy with our regular routine. And, we made sure our 800 jellybeans (400 for Jake, 400 for Asher & I) were secure in their new plastic containers.

There were lots of tears, and it was a difficult separation. However, last night Jake appeared home for one final goodbye. Again, we were going to attempt to be "normal"...the past weekend it was more difficult for me...I kept crying, but we were doing so many things that were just NOT normal for us. So last night we just did normal things...we did a little laundry, we played, I painted my nails, we ate dinner, and we hugged without falling to pieces. We talked and laughed, and even argued a bit....but that's NORMAL for us! We didn't pretend like this wasn't happening, but instead, we just enjoyed the moments as they came and didn't anticipate what was to come. This time I didn't feel like I was battling an unseen clock, fighting for more minutes with my husband. I just soaked in the moments that we did have, and I think he did, too.

Of course, I can't say that there were no tears...because there were. At 4 AM this morning, he quietly snuck into Asher's room. Our tiny, sweet son was sleeping snug in his big race car bed. Jake, in his ACU's knelt by the bed and covered our little man with kisses. I had to turn away. When he was putting on his rucksack and packing up his truck for the last time for a long time, we were both tearful. We held each other and cried and told each other "I love you." And then it was time for him to go. He climbed into his truck in the dark, with the bright, full moon high in the sky, and two stars to guide the way, and he drove away. I watched him from the back porch. I don't know if he didn't see me, or he couldn't look, but he did not wave. He was ready to leave, and he was leaving on his terms.

Today his official orders begin, and tomorrow is his official send-off ceremony. We will not be in attendance, at his request, and we believe this choice is truly best for our family. We've been through it before, and it is something we choose not to go through again. The goodbye ceremony is anything but normal. It's sad, and long, and just drags out the inevitable. Therefore, we will continue on with our daily routine, pray Psalm 91, think of each other, and look forward.

Today Asher went to day care. It is "blue" week and he was invited to wear blue today. He is wearing a blue shirt, some blue overall shorts with cars and trucks, and his blue Crocs. He was a bit grumpy, so I decided to let him pick out his first special jellybean this morning (I know, breakfast of champions, right?). Of course he picked BLUE, and of course he was happy as he went out the door with Grandma Taxi back in service!

As I turned on the radio driving to work today, the words to a song on K-Love by Russ Lee lifted my heart and gave me peace:

I smile when I think about the way You turned my life around

I smile when I think about the happiness in You I've found

I'm so amazed at what Your love has done

When I think the best is yet to come.....I smile.

And I did smile. I thought it was a good, normal way to start my day.

~Emily