His Birthday

*SIGH*

I hate lonely.

I feel so damn lonely today.

Tomorrow/today is his birthday. It's morning in Afghanistan now. The love of my life is turning 31 years old. He's in a warzone. He'll wake up alone. He'll shave his face, put on his uniform, drink his coffee, and go to work. Maybe he'll have some lunch, and work out, and eat dinner. Perhaps his friends there will do something to make him feel special today (they will). He probably won't get a hug. (The tears are streaming down my face now). Even tough guy Jake deserves a hug on his birthday. He deserves so much more than a hug on his birthday. I'm sad and lonely because I can't help but think about how much I want to give my love a hug today.

Yes, it's just another day, he'd probably tell you. Sure, he'd rather be anywhere else but there....and probably wishes he was surrounded by all the people who love him most and know him best. Well...maybe surrounded by those folks AND some of his favorite beers...But, it's just another day in a warzone. And he has a job to do...and he'll do it, and probably be embarassed by any attention his day will bring.

I sent him a card. And Asher sent him a card. I traced our son's little hand into the card with a pen. No package. No birthday gifts. No silly streamers or cake or Whitey's shakes (I wish I could have, love...) Believe me, if there had been a way to pack a box to show him how much I love him, I would. But, sorry to say, this love doesn't fit in a box.

This love. Our love. I miss it so much.

Let me tell you how amazing Jake is. This man loves me....even for all my faults. He loves me when I'm my ugliest. He's seen me SO ugly, and he still loves me. He's seen me ridiculously insecure, jealous, and completely unreasonable. I've been demanding, controlling, mean-spirited, even hateful. And yet....and yet...even for all of my shortcomings, faults, and ugliness, he loves me in spite of it all!

That is an awesome love. A love that forgives when I don't deserve it. A love that says "I'm sorry" even when I'm too stubborn to say those words. A love that knows that even thought there's not a birthday gift in the mail, still he tells me that just hearing me say the words "I love you" is the best gift for him. *SIGH* Seriously?

This war has broken me. Again. When is enough enough?

Happy Birthday, love. Wish you were here in my arms, but you're ever in my heart.

TMD.

~Emily