I Hate Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes.

Even when you do it on a weekly or monthly basis... It's not something one easily gets used to.

I am horrible at them, too.
Instead of clinging to, I push away.
Instead of holding tight, I end up saying things that hurt.
Isn't that ridiculous and stupid?

We had a wonderful 3 day weekend. 4 nights of Daddy being home...how lucky are we? But on his final day home, things begin to unravel...fall apart...feel...not right. I feel anxious. He feels anxious. And I think baby senses it. We've played in the yard, laughed, read stories, taken walks, seen friends and family, shared meals, said prayers....done all the wonderful things we do together that make our family complete.

But then we inevitably have to say goodbye again. The moments where I'm trying to soak it all in and just "be in the moment" are sometimes too much when I know that these are the things I'll be missing most. The feelings and smells that you try to memorize will somehow slip away and not be able to be recalled when you need them most.

We all settled in on Asher's big boy race card bed to read 2 of his favorite stories, Goodnight, Moon and Ten in the Bed. Daddy got to read (2 rounds) of each story. At the end, Asher was wanting more, as usual. I have been the one lately reading the bedtime stories, so what a special treat for daddy to do it. But when it was time to shut the door and for him to go to bed, Asher began sobbing uncontrollably. He doesn't do that. He knows something is up...and to have to listen to that is heart wrenching. So, enter in daddy again, to soothe with a story about the "Great adventures of Asher" and some softly sung "Ants go marching..."

It's never easier. After 12 years of goodbyes, the pain that feels like your heart being ripped out of your chest just never yields. And it hurts even more when you know that he's not just saying goodbye to you anymore, but that little tiny boy who looks at him so lovingly like he's hung the moon himself.

I hate goodbyes.
~Emily