What's happened in the past month:
- Osama bin Laden was killed
- Jake has been out and about (not behind his desk!) doing secret squirrel missions
- Emily freaks out when Jake is out and about (not behind his desk!) doing secret squirrel missions
- Asher started at a new daycare
- Emily feels as if she's reached her limit (yet again) on this deployment
- Jake is able to make his mom & wife feel special on Mother's Day with some deliveries of beautiful flowers
- Emily arranged for Jake's motorcycle to be fixed up and ready to ride when he gets home, and it has been picked up, pampered, and returned home
- The weather has been cooperating at home, so lots of outdoor time, sandbox play, jogs on the bike path, which means bath time every night for the lil man
- Hotter weather, allergy season, mixed with dust, sandstorms, bad air, and more dust makes for an unpleasant "springtime" for Jake
- The first of the "replacements" for Jake's unit have begun to arrive
At this point, we are all tired of deployment. It's wearing thin on all of us. Patience in the combat zone is nonexistent...patience at home has been tested and retested....and the little man, although not privy to our adult conversations most days, has somehow felt the tension amongst both of us and has shown his fair share of "impatient" behavior as well.
Today, after work in my car, I was flipping radio stations and came across the song "I'm Already There" by Lonestar, which I haven't heard in a good 3 years at least.
Listening to the words, I couldn't help but think of my soldier, who has been away now for over a year."We may be a thousand miles apart, but I'll be with you wherever you are. I'm already there...take a look around...I'm the sunshine in your hair, I'm the shadow on the ground, I'm the whisper in the wind, and I'll be there 'til the end. Can you feel the love that we share? Oh I'm already there...."
There have been so many moments throughout this year, that I just wish Jake had been with us...to share with us, to laugh with us, to console us....it's been very difficult to be without him, as he is a very active husband and father. Even without his physical presence, he has managed to make a lot of time for us, and we have tried to keep him in every day life with Flat Daddy, the talking story books, YouTube videos, and Skype dates. However, it's just not the same as having him really here.
Some of the things that happen without him here, I wonder if I would react differently about if he was here. For instance, Asher got into some mud in our yard the other night. It was the end of the evening, I was tired, he was tired, and it was getting to be time for bed. When he came around the corner of the house with mud on his hands, legs, shoes, and clothes, I got angry. I didn't laugh, or think it was funny. I scolded him, stripped off his clothes, and carried him into the house to get washed up. If Jake had been here, maybe we would have laughed together? Taken a few pictures? Chuckled in bed later that night whispering about what a funny kid Asher is? I've had a lot of these parenting "moments" that I'm not very proud of. Instead of laughing & tickling him, I yelled at him. Looking back, I feel guilty about how I reacted.
As I listened to the song today in the car, it just reminded me that no matter where Jake is, his heart and mind are on us, his family, even as he's doing "hard hero work." It reminded me that even when I don't think "he's here," that he really is...in the little things...my son's laughter, the dog's playful lick, the burnt dinner, the sunshine through the clouds.
Maybe instead of focusing on "one more mess to clean up," today's song was helping me to see that I need to be sure to find the fun, the laughter, the love in the little things...even the mud. And soon, he will be here.
~Emily
I got the biggest lump in my throat reading this...the same that I get whenever I hear that song. (Have you heard the version with voiceovers from military families? It's killer.)
ReplyDeleteI can relate so much. I get so run down from chasing after the kids and playing single parent, and I fail to stop and appreciate my boys and to remember how much my husband would love for the chance to comfort the crying baby or build a LEGO tower with the preschooler.
Thanks so much for sharing!
When I saw the title of your post I had a flashback. That song came out when Scott was deployed and we both heard it on the radio the same week. The next time we talked we both mentioned this song that had made us think of the other. So it has a special place in my heart and on my ipod ;)
ReplyDeleteThe frustration and guilt of yelling at your children when you should let things go or laugh at the absurdity of the things they do, sadly doesn't go away with deployment. There is no such thing as perfect parents because we are all human. Although I am sure there are super nice people who never yell at their kids but I don't hang out with them because I think they could be aliens :) Just one of the joys of motherhood...neverending guilt.
I think the homestretch of deployment is somehow the worst. In the beginning you are just in survival mode and by the end you are just fed up with the whole deal. You are so close to the end you can almost feel them back in your arms and back in your life, but yet there is still so much uncertainty and the dread of unexpected delays which the military is so fond of throwing at you. The end was definitely the hardest time for me. I love that you refer to her as mistress military btw--believe me I used a much less flattering term ;)
Hang in there lady! Lots of love to all of you.
Laura